In most modern cultures, there are rituals for burying departed loved ones, but few for honoring their memories. Rituals for honoring ancestors and commemorating the departed are intrinsic to many traditional cultures all over the world. Here are several ideas for building comforting rituals around memorializing loved ones who are no longer with you.
Respect for Ancestors Day
In parts of Asia, a special date is set aside as Respect for Ancestors Day. The day begins by leaving offerings of beautifully prepared foods and flowers at grave sites, and ends with a festive meal eaten at home, marking both a tribute to, and separation from the departed.
Asian and African cultures have long held cherished rituals for honoring ancestors, who are believed to remain an integral presence in the family. The Korean New Year, for example, also serves as a day for honoring ancestors and strengthening family connections. A central rite of the day honors the past four generations of ancestors.
These ancestor-honoring rituals might be more readily admired than envied outside their cultures. Still, there are many simple ways we can commemorate loved ones once they’ve passed on.
Samhain
This was the Celtic predecessor of today’s Halloween, and has much in common with Mexican Day of the Dead. It was a day to celebrate the dead with food, drink, magic, and divination.
In Witch in the Kitchen, Cait Johnson writes of Samhain, “Today is the perfect day to set the table with those old plates or glasses that were left to you by your grandmother, your aunt, or your mother . . . Set an extra place for anyone who died in the past year, or for a special relative or friend. Tell loving stories about them at dinner.”
Day of the Dead (Dia de los Muertes)
One of Mexico’s most cherished holidays, Day of the Dead (Dia de los Muertes) is a joyous annual celebration that encourages viewing death as part of the cycle of change, not something frightening. Ancestors and the departed are honored during a 2-day celebration, usually a weekend, in late October or early November.
Festivities include sugar sculptures of skulls and bones, special breads and other delicious ceremonial foods, colorful decorations, and candlelit midnight marches to graveyards.
Ancestral vessel
In some societies, vaselike containers were once fashioned to hold small worldly belongings of the departed. If you have small items that belonged to a departed loved one, consider making or purchasing a modern version of a “reliquary vessel.”
This can be a decorative box and used for storing small keepsakes that belonged to that person, such as watches and other jewelry, passports, coins, medals, awards, or other items that may have been part of their personal collection, plus some photos of or belonging to them.
Each year, on the anniversary of this person’s birth or death, the container can be taken from its special place. The objects and photos can be laid out to admire, and/or reminisce over, keeping alive the unique story of the individual’s life.
Memorial altar
Consider creating a special altar on the person’s birthday, with flowers, photos, and other memorabilia, as is done in some Eastern cultures. Place a special plate of food as an offering, perhaps special foods symbolizing those enjoyed by the person being honored. Tell stories and share memories about the departed.
If one of your or your partner’s parents or grandparents is being honored, your children may especially enjoy finding out more about their ethnic backgrounds. Prepare a meal reflecting their cultural background; look at maps of the region, or a globe, to locate where they were born and grew up.
Annual memorial traditions
Creating a memorial tradition to honor the departed highlights the meaningfulness of a life well lived. Here’s one example: Susan’s brother died at age forty-five from non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He was a professional photographer by trade. Ken’s buddies from his college newspaper days came up with the idea of creating an endowment (funded by former classmates) for an annual photo contest open to anyone presently on the newspaper’s staff.
Susan helps judge the submissions each year, and the winner received a modest scholarship in Ken’s name. It has become an annual tradition that continues to heal family and friends of Ken and to honor him by encouraging others to excel at what was his personal passion.
Ancestor feast
Some families practice a symbolic ritual of remembrance to honor the departed on the anniversary of their birth or death. They set an extra plate at the table, complete with food, lit by a candle, and surrounded by several photos of the departed. Serve that person’s favorite dishes, their signature recipes, or foods that reflect their cultural heritage. What were some of the special dishes they made that left a lasting impression on you?
Have your children help in selecting and preparing foods for this commemoration. The flavors and aromas associated with a relative’s favorite foods are a concrete way to bring memories alive. And if not an entire meal, baking or cooking something just like Mom, Dad, or Grandma did can be just as effective a way to pass something of that person along to your own children.
Memory garden
Here’s a lovely and lasting tribute. Plant a small garden in honor of the departed. Consider having a small tree, such as a Japanese maple or weeping cherry, as the centerpiece.
Designate an annual ritual of adding something to the garden in the late spring or early summer of each year. If space allows, place a bench near this garden for sitting, meditating, and remembering.
Commemorating what was unique about your loved ones
Commemorate the individual by celebrating their interests and hobbies. Maybe your dad loved baseball. Take his memory out to the ball game on his birthday. Was Aunt Ruth famous for her baking? Recreate her signature recipe. Perhaps Grandma was an activist. Volunteer for or contribute to her favorite cause on her birthdate.
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